Understanding and Overcoming Our Differences
Why do some groups have more people and than others? Why is this group more connected and this one more formal? Why are these groups fighting one another?
Groups have always been fascinating to me. Ever since I was a kid, I would watch how people would interact with one another and try to understand why...
So for the past ten+ years, I have worked with groups made up of all shapes and sizes. Usually facilitating workshops to help adults “play nice” with one another while also getting them to get things done through stronger collaboration.
A large chunk of my learning came from graduate school. During one of my projects, I learned the fundamental reasons why groups have a hard time getting along. This concept has been a game-changer for me in understanding how groups work.
I would like to share what I learned in hopes of supporting you to develop a clearer picture of what’s currently going on and empower you to help create positive change.
Why Do Groups Form?
I think many people understand this concept, but it's worth repeating. When we form and connect to a group it helps satisfy our need to feel safe and have a sense of belonging. These are core human needs (check out Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs).
We also begin to feel empowered when we find others who think like me, who share the same values, attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors.
One of the cool things about being part of a group is the reassurance of who we are. We are surrounded by those who think similarly, which feels good. It creates a sense of belonging like when you put peanut butter and jelly on a sandwich. Also, we generally see the other people in the group as good people because they share some of the same values and beliefs as I do.
Have you ever felt that tinge of excitement when you see someone wearing your favorite sports team jersey or superhero shirt? Or a car drives by and they’re playing that song that you love! We immediately feel some sort of connection to them because they get it. Feeling like we are part of that group gives us with the warm and fuzzies.
The “Us vs Them” Dynamic
Now, what happens when we meet another group who thinks differently from us? Well since we all believe we are good people we also believe what we think is right. So if we are right then that other group must be wrong.
Now If our group starts to think that the other group is right, then that means our own group is wrong. But as a group we would never want to be seen as wrong, so instead of looking to change our beliefs it’s easier for us to just “stay right”.
Here comes the kicker, what causes continued animosity between groups is believing right = good and wrong = bad. Since no group believes they are bad, they become defensive and create an “us vs them” dynamic.
Have you ever felt a touch of dislike for someone who was wearing a sports team that you don’t like? Or if you are a Batman fan and you see someone wearing a Superman shirt. For a brief moment, we have a mentality of “us vs them”. Thinking that we are better than others can often help us feel confident and assured of who we are.
This is one of the biggest reasons why groups can have a hard time getting along.
Resolving These Conflicts
An easy place to start is recognizing our desire to boost our ego so we can feel right and good. Let’s set aside the concept of good vs bad, right vs wrong, and see with clear eyes what is actually happening between these groups.
When there is space to hear, then we can listen deeply to what is being said. Understanding the other groups’ perspectives by reflecting back what they are trying to say and also asking clarifying questions shows that we care. This can help bring down walls and open up a dialogue.
This is how we can get started. There is much more work involved but these first steps can help get the ball moving.
I hope this was helpful, understanding the 10,000 foot view of why groups might have a hard time getting along. My other hope is that by shining some light on this we can come together to create positive change in our current culture.
Please let me know if you have any questions regarding this topic by leaving a comment below. Also, let me know if there is anything else you would like to learn about how groups work?